Made you all a sort of CD/ music recommendations list. Your mileage may vary, etc.

Song of the Century [Green Day]
Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots [The Flaming Lips]
Welcome to the Black Parade [My Chemical Romance]
Tao of Now, Om Nia Merican, Sea Lions [Saul Williams]
Canta Per Me, Fiction, Vanity [Yuki Kajiura]

So, an of interesting developments in Adi-land: I got a job. Or rather, I was given one. I'll be working as receptionist/ filer/ general monkey-girl in my father's office, and as much as I don't want to be "that girl" who lives at her daddy's indulgence, I'm grateful to have it. It's not like other workplaces will be falling over themselves to hire an unexperienced seventeen-year-old with competence issues. So yeah. A good start. A way to find my feet. Plus the women I'll be working with are super nice, so if I screw up it might not be so bad. And considering that the minimum wage here in America [my wage] is up to $7.25...

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. Yessss. I am such a money-monger it's not even funny. I don't go out of my way to actually earn cash--no lemonade stands or a great many babysitting jobs for me--but once I get it, it tends to stay. I'm saving it. I'm not sure why--it just makes me feel better to know I've got it--but it can't hurt to have it, yeah?

Okay. No more feeling sorry. Logically, there's just as much chance things may go great as they may go bad. And that's just chance; if I try really hard, I've got even better odds. If I make a bunch of little goals, eventually they'll add up into one big one--whatever that is. I'll figure that out.

What was it that Rumi said? "Let the beauty of what you love be what you do." I can do that. He said other stuff too:

"Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.”

Okay.

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

...Okay.

Just take it a day at a time, right? Right. Just breathe and try to enjoy things.

Guys--thanks. I mean really. Thanks so much.

She's gone. I was expecting to feel relieved, but. Fuck.

It's gonna be harder from now on; all Dad's attention is going to be on me and I'll have to jump through more hoops than usual to keep him off my back. I'm going to have to actually talk to people outside my own family, try to be friends with them. For a year or two, I'm an only child, and by the time she comes back it'll be time for college.

Shit. College. Fucking college! I'm going to be eighteen in four fucking months. A legal, consenting adult, and I haven't so much as gone on a date or had a job or acquired skills that remotely resemble a mature adult's. I mean, driving, yeah, but I can barely do that! Half the time I don't even remember whether or not I can turn right at a fucking red light.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. I'm literally hyperventilating here.

She's going away and I won't see her for at least a year and all I can think about are fucking RED LIGHTS. And whether or not I can survive my senior year. And how the hell one goes about getting a job, much less how to act at one. And majors and careers and growing up in general. This is fucking ridiculous. To hear mom and dad talk you'd think adulthood just happens, like you just climb on a bus and drive your merry fucking way towards competence and it can't happen any other way.

I can't even tell if that made sense.

How can a person be so fucking lonely and hate people as much as I do???

I want my sister back.

ATTENTION:
If you find we no longer speak as much as people on friends-lists should and/or you no longer care what I have to say, this is your free and open opportunity to de-friend this journal. I won't do it to any of you because I'm a passive-aggressive coward, but rest assured there'll be no hard feelings on this end. I promise. ♥

Dum-da-da-dum-dum-dum~! Welcome, everyone, to Adi's first-ever official reccomendations post! Herein you will be exposed to a few of my favorite things; or, more specifically, a few of my favorite comic books about superheroes. No, not manga--bona fide American comics, which can be just as silly and wondrous as their Japanese counterparts, provided, of course, you have a little guidance~ So, in the words of the Joker: "and here...we...go!"

( More powerful than a locomotive, and just about as subtle. )

...Welll, on that cheery note...Next I'll probably review miscellaneous graphic novels. I'm working on a few writings right now, but the urge to geek about such things is strong within me.

Not a whole lot to report. It's three days since school let out and I'm already sunburnt. Hello, summer vacation.

Stolen from Rhu-san: ask me a question about any of the characters listed below! I'll expound/ babble/ pull answers out of my rear.

1.) Mireille Walker
2.) René Fontaine
3.) Felicia Suárez
4.) Uri Elouai Bey
5.) David Lang
6.) Neil Ferguson/ "Pirate"

The Joker Blogs

Watch and marvel. I literally got shivers of discomfort and awe.

So. They're sending her to a therapeutic boarding school. I was really surprised Dad went for the idea, but I suppose it's come to that point. Meaning, I'll be alone for most of the summer and all of my senior year.

I'm changing. I can feel myself becoming something else, even in the span of this past week. Of course, I still feel like myself, but...it's odd. Not unwelcome, though. I'm happier, I think. Maybe a bit more capable. Am I growing up?

I need to think about this.

KYAAAAAAAAAAAA~~!!!!!!

Screw worrying about Li. Screw school! THIS. IS GOING. TO ROCK. MY. WORLD!!!!! Bee in the first part HE'S SO CUTE I CAN'T STAND IT AND OPTIMUS OH MY GOD If you think I'm bad now, just WAIT until I actually go see it! Provided Michael Bay and his writers haven't fucked it up royally, I WILL BE RUNNING ON ADRENALINE FOR THREE DAYS STRAIGHT.

*spazzes and dies*

I think I'm really starting to understand how powerful love can be. I just wish it would help things get better, rather than just keeping me from making things worse. Is that selfish? I'm just at my wit's end. I don't know what to do. Talking doesn't help her, yelling just makes her defensive; even Dr. L isn't helping her. It's like those nightmares I always have where I'm running, trying to grab someone and stop them from walking away, but I'm never fast enough to catch up to them [yes, I seriously have these, all cliches aside]. She's gone somewhere I've been but can't follow her to. I don't know what to say to call her back. It's only my love for her that keeps me from screaming at/ shaking/ smacking her, but I wonder if eventually I'll run out of patience as well as options. I would yell at her if I knew it would help, but as of now, I can't even tell whether she's stubborn and hard or if she's close to breaking.

I have to be strong for mom and dad and her. It's gotten to a point where I'm steeled against other things, like the stupid kids in Math flicking balls of paper at me. I used to care; now I really don't. It's almost scary, having to feel strong even when I know I'm not. I am really trying to turn my concern for her into some kind of strength of heart that I can use in other situations. I am trying to be calm and good for both my sake and hers. I would give up anything for her to be happy. It sounds dramatic but I mean it--anything, as long as it would just help.

I just need to keep trying. I need to be strong. There's nothing else I can do.

Happy Birthday, Sh'ten.

Not a whole lot to comment on as far as real life goes; as of now I'm just trying to take things a day at a time. Recently I've been doing a bit of writing for my original characters in the format of first-person intospection. The links follow if anyone wants to read them. You should be able to respond to their entries with your own characters if you're bored you'd like!

→ therapy session: felicia suárez
→ therapy session: uri elouai bey
→ therapy session: rené fontaine

Comment to this entry and I will pick a character you know. Then you answer the same questions I have posted.

halfthewords gave me Dee Laytner of FAKE fame.

( meme under cut )

For some reason I just feel like punching the keyboard, if only because I'm sick of being silent but don't have anything to say.

Why is there no Jim Henson on this thing? It probably doesn't count, but COME ON, people! Does the movie LABYRINTH mean anything to you?!

( movie meme yoinked from rhu-san )

[In response to a Psych assignment: "Who are you?"]

I am who I want to be and who I will never allow myself to be. I am the words I wish I could take back and the words I have not yet uttered. I am a mess of ironies and apologies. I am spoiled. I am apathetic; I dream and do not act. I am at home in quiet places, neither listening nor speaking. I cannot stand the sound of laughter and I hate the taste of tears. I am part of a whole and the sum of my parts. I am sharp and I am brittle and I am waiting. I am waiting. I am waiting -

for myself.

What do you all think happiness is?

God.

Like I said, I shouldn't have gotten involved.

I must be really bored.

I am having such existential angst right now; it's not even funny.

Last night, my sister and I talked--and I mean, like really talked--for the first time in a while. She told me how hard it had been for her, being on everything from Lorazapam to lithium in the last few months; I told her how bad I felt for losing the state essay competition.

Then she told me she'd come close to killing herself more than once.

"I'm over it now," she assured me.

I said that was good. "Life is all we have. You'd be fooling yourself if you thought death would be any better."

"I didn't want something better," she said. "I didn't want anything. I wanted nothing at all."

I'd never thought about it like that before.

"I want to write. I want to be a great writer." I told her then.

"You are a great writer."

"Yeah, but after all that's happened, I can't help but feel I'll never be as good a writer as I want to be. I'm not like you. You create. You're original. All the ideas I think of are derived from someone else, someone better..." I paused. "I'm really selfish, talking about this right now. I'm really, really selfish."

"Life is short. It sucks and then you die," she said, so intensely that I was almost annoyed, "but it's worth living."

"To see the sun rise," I mumbled, but suddenly didn't know whether or not I believed it myself.

I'm tired of all this passive-aggressive bullshit. I act all shy and courteous around other people but I'm not even sure that's how I am or if it's just a defense mechanism. I'd try to change, but I'm honestly not capable of enduring rejection--these past couple of days taught me that. I have friends, I can write. But it's never enough.

To be honest, I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

At all.